I got a job! Jesus Christ almighty, I got a job!
I was beginning to stress and regret and ponder going back to the other place that I had quit recently. I had been there officially almost two years, and unofficially another 7 months, after all. Then one day, I awoke to an online job post that a friend sent me. I emailed my resume, had an interview by 10am the next morning, then hired on the spot. Starting to feel like my old self again! Right…?
First day, great. Second day, great. I’m doing less than half the workload, hell, less than 2/3 the workload that I did at my last job AND I’m getting paid more. Win win, right…?
By the third day, things have begun to slow down. I work at an exclusive little movie theatre that is located at a very well-known state park which shall remain nameless. The theatre only shows one 40 minute movie a day about the state park at which it is located. Every 45 minutes, the same little movie (that I myself have seen in its entirety at least 2 times) repeats itself to hundreds of sets of eyeballs. However, considering this is the off-season, it’s only about 20 sets of eyeballs at a time.
Which makes my new job so incredibly boring, I’m about to rip out my hair.
Boredom: the state of being weary and restless through lack of interest.
There are 5 other employees here: one is a little newer than me, two will be leaving in the next couple months, one has ADHD or more like just HD, and the other one is a fabulous grumpy lady that I take so much pleasure in attaching myself to so I can listen to her bitch about everything and anything. She’s been here the longest, next to the manager who has been here for 14 years.
We’re a small group of misfits. It all seems to be going well. But after that third day of getting to know the basics (scan the wristband, sell a ticket, usher people to their seat), it feels more like I have been hired as a sort-of Stepford wife and less as a supervisor. The manager shows up late and leaves early, if he even comes in at all. As soon as he shows up, he puts his cellphone away and starts nit-picking about the weirdest things around the theatre: a breaker cabinet that needs to be painted, organizing the supply closet, dust on the top door frame on the outer doors. Weird shit that he says nobody has taken the initiative to fix. I’m sittin’ here thinking “you’re the fucking manager, tell them to do it.” But it seems to be some sort of weird power play.
Or maybe he’s just crazy and lazy and could give a fuck about this job. Yes, I think that’s it.
The other employees here tell me to “just observe”. My boyfriend says the same thing. When I hear those two words, it takes me back to my meditation retreats, where the Master Teacher S.N. Goenka repeats to his students “just observe…just observe….”. At these moments of observations, you are to notice any changes, no matter how big or little, in your breath or body. Notice the change, give a few moments of your time, then move along for the next observation to take place.
When I think about my first retreat, I remember how fucking hard it was to “just observe” without wanting to scream out loud about it being absolutely impossible to sit there and notice my breath. I mean, you’re sitting there silently and you’ve got a crazy fucking monkey mind tearing up the insides of your brain, and you’re supposed to just sit there and observe things….? Really…….??
YES.
So with this stupid new job, I’m just going to observe. I’m going to observe the boss not noticing the work I have done, or any of the work other employees have done. I’m going to stand or sit, scan or usher and just observe what I can while I’m here. I’ll organize the closets and paint a door. If my monkey mind starts kicking in, I’m going to observe that, too. Because honestly, I have no idea how long I can stay at this place. It’s so BOOORRIINNGGGG. At least with meditation, you work through the observation and start to feel things become more real and more present and less irritating and everlasting. At this new job, things just keep getting more tedious.
It’s not that I expected this to be the most amazing job ever; I feel more like this was supposed to be a transition job, keeping me afloat until the next perfect thing comes along. The thing is, though, I feel like I was sold a lemon, ya know. The boss told me at the interview how I would have so much responsibility and accountability (which I prefer). I would be in charge of making sure all the breaks and lunches were taken when scheduled, that all chores would be completed, all duties and projects assigned, etc. But instead, I stand up front, talking to the other employees about how bored we all are.
However, I can’t help but wonder if this is yet another gift of time. Since I’m not using much mental energy here, I can focus on writing during my breaks and lunch time. Since I’m not burnt out by the time I get home, I can use that time for sitting and creating. I have asked for time, as much time as the universe can give me. I seem to keep getting it.
So I will keep taking it.
I will observe. I will write. I will be patient.
But I still might have to find a more interesting job that doesn’t make me want to staple my eyelids to my forehead to keep them open…
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